13 May 2013
Many Americans adore Walmart, but these people are all looneys, every last one of them. Any reader who knows a person older than twelve who loves Walmart must admit, however grudgingly, that my assessment is correct.
But some people claim that Walmart is evil. Are such anti-Walmart partisans correct, or are they just as looney as the Walmart lovers? I shall present their arguments in a cool and objective manner, focusing only on the facts at hand, and it is my dearest hope that by the end of this article we shall all possess a greater understanding and knowledge of the largest employer in the United States, free from bias or emotionalism. Our opinions will be educated ones, and our viewpoints truly impartial and well-considered.
Walmart’s critics say that the retail behemoth provides poor customer service. For example, all too often a customer will purchase a toilet brush or a package of Dickies Men’s Dura-Blend Briefs only to find, after they’ve driven home, that their supposedly new item was in fact used and returned, only to be flimsily repackaged and restocked to the shelves. Also, Walmart associates will sometimes shadow an innocent shopper whom they deem to look suspicious. Some customers have complained of racial profiling or rude taunting by these associates. One poor victim, Kenneth J. Harvey, reports that “I kept turning around catching them looking at me through the shelves. Then they started laughing, and humping and spanking the air… When I confronted them about their lewd behavior, they just laughed at me and flashed Walmart badges and said ‘You know what? We work here!'” Just terrible.
The stores also keep too few check-out lanes open: I once saw a twelve-year-old girl enter a line with her mother pushing a cart full of groceries. While the line inched along, the young girl married the restless boy behind them in line, repeatedly denied her own three children packages of Bubble Yum and Skittles, buried her dear mother behind packets of Jack Link’s beef jerky, and then she tossed a single pack of extra-strength Tylenol into her cart as an impulse purchase to combat her worsening arthritis. By the time the apathetic cashier scanned and bagged the groceries, the girl’s grandchildren paid for the spoiled goods, falsely tripped the shoplifting alarm, and then had to show their receipt to the frowning associate who stood guard at the exit.
The company once prided itself on excellent customer service. When Sam Walton founded his first Walmart store in 1962, he considered good customer service to be the keystone to his success, particularly by providing shoppers with low, low prices. He advertised that his stores sold American-made products whenever possible. But gradually Walton’s personality began to change as his organization grew. Customer service became more superficial, and prices for most goods at Walmart weren’t any lower than elsewhere, save for a few showcase items like fly swatters and pre-made coleslaw. Made-in-America items gradually disappeared, and Walmart lost appreciation for its workforce. Sam Walton himself grew testy; rumors flew that Walton had transformed into an angry and cruel monster, that he once shot a company board member just for snoring too loud.
Sam Walton’s company grew like an unstoppable snowball, swallowing everything in its path to become the world’s largest retailer. Now Walmart operates 29,495 stores worldwide, and its annual revenue dwarfs the combined total of the world’s poorest 235 countries. Walmart, in effect, rules the entire world!
Walmart employs more than 2 million workers worldwide, and allows none of them to join a union. Workers toil under crippling low wages, horrifying conditions, and pathetic healthcare that actually sucks their health away for a huge chunk of their checks. Former employees and workers’ advocates deluge Walmart with lawsuits every single day, but the company can afford to tie up these cases in court until the plaintiffs exhaust their money.
To keep its downtrodden workers from earning full-time benefits, Walmart only allows its female associates to work on the clock for ten minutes each week, but the company strongly encourages these oppressed women to volunteer in the store for at least one hundred and twenty-five hours each week without pay in order to demonstrate their dedication to the Walmart family. By contrast, men get to work on the clock for twelve hours per week, only having to volunteer for thirty-four hours. So Walmart really does hate and despise women with a chauvinistic passion!
Walmart even brainwashes its workforce so that they love their slavery: associates must show their enthusiasm and pride by circling up for their ‘Walmart boogie’ four times each day, off the clock, in which they square dance and pledge their lowly souls to the company and hope to die in the service of Walmart, preferably off the clock.
Critics accuse Walmart of unfair and immoral business practices. Walmart marched into my town in 1993 like a gargantuan blue anteater. It plopped its hairy, box-shaped rump down at the edge of the corporation limits and dropped its prices to below-cost levels. Then Walmart poked its long tube-like rostrum into the town’s local businesses and proceeded to vacuum up all of their customers to the point that now only a shriveled up crater exists in the dirt where the courthouse square used to be. At the bottom of this hole lies the sad little skeleton of Joe from Joe’s hardware, who vowed to stay down there until the gigantic Walmart leviathan had deserted the town. Instead the anteater has stuck around for dessert.
Now all of the town’s former small-business owners have donned the blue vests of Walmart; they’ve lost their houses to foreclosure because a Walmart wage couldn’t pay their bills, and they all live in hopeless, crowded clapboard tenements. People wear sewn-together scraps of potato and dog food bags as clothes.
Walmart has recently taken over the mobile trinket-selling market. Every Friday Walmart sends its ‘Black Friday’ fleet of trucks to park in decrepit neighborhoods, each of them loaded with potato sacks, Chinese dog food, plastic pots and pans, second-hand cigarettes, and other staples of poverty-ridden markets, and they sell these wares to fighting hordes of local people. The sight of these trucks brings a frenzied rush of panicked shoppers, each afraid the merchandise will run out before they can buy it; often these animal mobs trample luckless old ladies or little children in their greed. The first truck carries the goods, but most of the people swarm to the second truck. This truck is full of half-trained veterinary surgeons who pay the customers for desired portions of their luckless bodies (kidneys, eyes, hands, hair, noses, etc.) so they can afford new stretchy pants or a one-pound bag of two-week old doughnut holes.
Despite this poverty, Walmart ensures that its customers grow enormously fat. Studies indicate that the closer a person lives to a Walmart store, the wider that person’s waistband. People who live right across the street from a Walmart each weigh an average of 748 pounds! That’s more than the average donkey! Geologists were shocked to see, after mapping the Earth’s gravitational pull, a circle of increased gravity around every Walmart store because people had grown so obese. Part of the problem arises from Walmart’s practice of adding high-fructose corn syrup to all of its goods, even to apparel and electronics. Now you see why everything is so sticky!
And Walmart customers live like kings compared to the Asian factory workers who manufacture the company’s cheap goods. I can’t even bring myself to talk about their living and working conditions.
Before the Great Recession, the political left had fought passionately against Walmart’s abuses and injustices. But since that time, Walmart has managed to weaken most of this activism by softening its totalitarian image and buying off its opponents. The new Walmart logo, with its happy yellow flower and softened font and colors, doesn’t scare away the soccer moms like the old, harsh, nationalistic pointy-star logo did; and the retailer’s former folksy, conservative, Bible-belt tone has successfully given way to practical, suburban mommy-ism. Who could hate the new soft and sophisticated Walmart when your mother and your grandmother also shop there? And by donating lavishly to left-wing causes and political campaigns, Walmart has largely bought the silence of its opposition. One could say that in the United States we now have the Democratic Party, the Republican Party, and the Walmart Party; and every candidate in office belongs to Walmart.
Yes, I know that I shop at Walmart, usually at least once a week. I would have to drive 22 miles to buy my Diet Vernors otherwise, even though Walmart keeps its canned beverage cases all the way at the back of the store, a four mile trek from my parked car. It’s not like the other chain stores are much better anyhow… Yes, I’m a hypocrite!
But anyway, curse Walmart… and curse Sam’s Club, too! Ptooey!
 Harvey, Kenneth J. “WalmartSucks.org.” Lewd Wal-Mart Employees. Blogger.com, 11 Aug. 2012. Web. 10 May 2013. http://walmartsucksorg.blogspot.com/2012/08/lewd-wal-mart-employees.html.
 Or maybe that was someone else?
 Higgins, Sean. “The Quiet Death of the Left’s Anti-Walmart Movement.” The Washington Examiner. The Washington Examiner, 8 Apr. 2013. Web. 10 May 2013. http://washingtonexaminer.com/the-quiet-death-of-the-lefts-anti-walmart-movement/article/2526559.