8 April 2013
Those seeking a pleasant, light-hearted conversation might do well to avoid the subject of illegal immigration. This subject, like other divisive subjects, always brings out the very shining best in people. Just the other day I was conversing with my chatty mailman Fred, and without warning he proclaimed, “I think we should give amnesty to illegal aliens!” I took my mail and replied, “Well, I think we should let gays abort their guns to stop climate change.” And the Bellepoint household has yet to get an electric bill or a refinance offer since that day. I personally do not intend to discuss the merits or the demerits of the subject of illegal immigration, at least not today, but I do nevertheless propose a solution to this issue: let the United States join Mexico!
At the conclusion of the Mexican War in 1848, the United States exploited a weak and under-populated Mexico by snatching half of that country’s land. To this day the average Mexican bitterly resents this humiliation of his country. If we join Mexico, we would heal this rift between our two peoples and restore Mexico’s national pride, hence our own national pride. This would also snuff out America’s sickening legacy of slavery and all those other horrendous, bigoted depredations that the US has ruthlessly committed throughout our history. And because nobody even knows the history of Mexico, we won’t have to feel guilty about that history at all.
Joining Mexico would immediately end the shrill and ever-polarizing strife that infests US politics (and not just because the USA would no longer exist, either!). For instance, our illegal immigration dilemma would end just like that, settled to the satisfaction of all. When the citizens of the United States will have converted into citizens of Mexico, those former downtrodden illegal aliens would leap out of the shadows, point in our faces, and brag to us about their citizen-seniority: “Who’s the alien now, hombre?” And because Mexico very strictly regulates immigration into their country (hopefully our country) the problem with illegal immigration as a pressing national issue would evaporate overnight.
The bitter gun-rights battle and the blather over Obamacare would also vanish when Mexican law took over. To the satisfaction of US liberals, Mexico restricts gun ownership to just a licensed few. But American conservatives can take relief in the utter inability of the Mexican government to enforce those strict laws. Conservatives could likewise celebrate the abandonment of Obamacare, though liberals wouldn’t care because Americans would gain access to public healthcare through the long-established Mexican Social Security Institute. If it doesn’t seem like conservatives are getting much out of these deals, they do get a lovely consolation prize: no more of their despised nemesis, President Obama!
Regardless of one’s political affiliation in the US, isn’t it refreshing to think of abandoning those nasty, tiresome Democrats and Republicans in favor of the mysterious PRI or PAN? And Enrique Nieto seems like a nice enough president. But even if he’s terrible, he only gets one six-year term, then off to the glue factory!
What would happen to Washington, D.C. after the union? We might turn the whole thing into a museum, or the district could serve as the oversized capital of the new state of Columbia. While it’s interesting to speculate, the decision ultimately falls upon Mexico’s Congress of the Union.
On the economic front, union with Mexico would bring the prices of consumer goods tumbling down after we abandon the dollar in favor of the less-valuable peso, and exports therefore would rise in value so long as we keep that peso cheap! A Mexican union would drop the price of labor for companies, making goods yet even cheaper for rich and poor alike. And Mexican remittances and tourism would no longer remove capital from the country.
Think of the exciting benefits to our culture! Joining Mexico would be like taking a permanent vacation. Some of the former US states would even get new names, like New Hampshire would change to Nuevo Hampshire; North Carolina would become Carolina del Norte; West Virginia switches to the much-improved Virginia Occidental; and Mississippi would transform into the easier-to-spell Misisipi. How exotic! I could just recline under an umbrella on my backyard patio with a margarita in hand during the worst January snowstorm. Just knowing that I’m lounging in Mexico would make my bones feel so much warmer!
And what could stimulate our culture more than learning our new official language? While Mexico respects local language and culture, it conducts all official business in Spanish. So if we want to excel in our new country, we’d better get cracking on our old high school Spanish books.
The Mexican Perspective
What would Mexicans think of this idea? I have not a shred of doubt that Mexicans would welcome us Americans as part of their citizenry with fiestas and celebraciones! 23% of the world’s Mexicans already live in the United States, and 40% of those left behind in Mexico say that they would like to move to the US if they could. Combined, out of a total worldwide Mexican population of 111 million, more than 70% of them either want to live in, or already do live in, the United States. This can only bode well for our happy union as they receive the benefits of the former United States while proudly maintaining their Mexican citizenship and heritage.
The United Mexican States
The official name of Mexico, at least for now, is the United Mexican States (Estados Unidos Mexicanos). While nobody in Mexico calls their country the EUM, the name will seem particularly apt once the USA joins Mexico. The expanded United Mexican States would become the second largest country in the world (Russia is #1) with a total population of about 430 million. The new, expanded Mexico would dominate the world economy even more than the United States has, and would serve as a mighty bridge between the declining, apathetic West and the ascending, vital Latin America. Let us in the United States stop bickering and start afresh: let’s join Mexico!
 U.S. Department of State. “Guns Are Illegal in Mexico.” Consulate General of the United States. U.S. Department of State. Web. 07 Apr. 2013. http://tijuana.usconsulate.gov/tijuana/warning.html.
 Burnett, John. “Law-Abiding Mexicans Taking Up Illegal Guns.” NPR. NPR, 28 Jan. 2012. Web. 07 Apr. 2013. http://www.npr.org/2012/01/28/145996427/mexican-community-takes-taboo-stance-on-guns.
 Wikipedia Contributers. “Mexican People.” Wikipedia. Wikimedia Foundation, 16 Mar. 2013. Web. 07 Apr. 2013. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mexicans.
 Pew Research Center. “Most Mexicans Would Not Move to U.S.” Pew Research Center RSS. Pew Research Center, 21 June 2012. Web. 07 Apr. 2013. http://www.pewresearch.org/daily-number/most-mexicans-would-not-move-to-u-s/.
 O’Connor, Emma. “Mexico Seeks to Change Name to Mexico.” Time Newsfeed. WordPress.com VIP, 26 Nov. 2012. Web. 07 Apr. 2013. http://newsfeed.time.com/2012/11/26/mexico-seeks-to-change-name-to-mexico/.