Temporal Time Change Refugees and Their Persecution by the ASPCA

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Temporal Time Change Refugees: Utopian Visionaries or Doomsday Cultists?

A revolution of the human spirit is brewing at Yogi Bear’s Jellystone Park at Monona Lake, an RV park near the town of Walford in northern Indiana. A rapidly growing number of “Temporal Time Change Refugees” have established themselves in this park, where they await the day when the tyrants who impose the wretchedness of Daylight Savings Time are finally driven from the earth.

In the course of ten long years since the traitors in the Indiana legislature thrust DST upon us here in Indiana, over 900 of these visionary time refugees have all but taken over the park. But local authorities and the surrounding communities are not at all happy.

Those daring rebels at Monona Lake swear a sacred oath to never change their clocks with the rest of the broken-willed drones of society. They vow to live their lives free of arbitrary movements of the clock that defy the unbending laws of nature. These earnest and hardy folks describe their park as a sanctuary where the lost victims of wretched grogginess can take shelter, basking in the sanity and order that is real time. And by “real time” they mean the local solar time.

(Time zones were established in the late nineteenth century—that bastion of backwardness—to facilitate the easy movement of railroad traffic. Before the railroads ruined life on Earth, everyone set his watch to the local position of the sun.)

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A folksy welcome and a grim warning at the Monona Lake Jellystone Park: “Swim and smoke and walk on the grass, but take your DST and shove it up your *ss”.

The existence of a revolutionary “doomsday cult” so close to the communities around this Jellystone Park has led to bouts of protest and ostracism, sometimes even vandalism. Fist-fights regularly break out in local bars where the Jellystone refugees notoriously demand that the bars stay open an hour late to accommodate their separate time status during the summer months.

The local sheriff’s department frequently sends patrols to keep tabs on the park’s residents. The sheriffs like to write citations to the temporal refugees for any minor infraction. Time refugees are routinely arrested for such petty crimes as littering or maintaining a public nuisance or public urination.

But nowhere is the abhorrent abuse of justice more severe and despicable than that imposed by the Grundy County ASPCA.

Frieda Wheeler, the ASPCA commissioner, has all but declared war on the temporal refugees: “Overwhelming scientific research has proven that pet owners who show a lack of responsibility with the time change are also more likely to neglect or abuse their pets. And our efforts here in Grundy County bear witness to that.”

Every week, officers from the ASPCA conduct door-to-door checks at every RV or mobile home in the park where pets are known to reside. They demand to inspect every pet, from domestic dogs to sea monkeys, to determine whether the animals are provided with enough food of the proper quality, or if the feces is cleaned up in their yards.

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Attention ASPCA: Please remove this yappy little dog from her neglectful owners. They have left a whole winter’s worth of doggie piles in the backyard for the rain to maybe dissolve.

I know that I would fail such an inspection myself. I’ve got mounds and mounds of Scourgey dog waste piled up from last winter that I have yet to clean up. I always hope for a good April rain that will dissolve the nastiness, and sometimes luck is kind. Meanwhile it is utter biohazard atrociousness!

Wheeler’s ASPCA thugs make a sport in demanding improvements to outdoor animals’ shelters. One week a family must elevate the dog house. The next week they must install a sun-shade over the dog house. The third week, the dog house isn’t roomy enough and must be expanded. Then the shelter needs air conditioning, and so on.  This charade has reached such an incredible level that now the animals often live in better homes than their owners. One exasperated family recently decided to move their three German Shepherds to live inside their trailer while they dragged their own beds into the dog pen.

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Grundy County ASPCA thugs remove a meek little Staffordshire Terrier because the owners refused to install a water fountain in his doghouse.

The Grundy County ASPCA has so far removed almost two dozen pets in the past two years since Ms. Wheeler began her campaign of senseless persecution, most of them for animal obesity. Countless other pet owners, tired of the harassment or unable to afford the lofty demands of the ASPCA, have sadly given up their pets voluntarily. Just last week the sheriff’s department arrested a seven-year-old boy for biting an ASPCA officer while she carried away his ant farm. According to reports, the ASPCA officer had caught the boy dropping a cricket among the ants to watch them fight it out.

I have never heard of such nonsense, where resistance to the time change is correlated with the abuse of pets. What’s next? Child Protective Services will remove their children?

If anything, DST generates a negative effect on one’s pets in that it disrupts their delicate circadian rhythms. Scourgey and our magical cat were shocked this morning when their food appeared an hour early. In the fall the two creatures must starve while they wait trembling in anxiety until their pet chow is dumped an hour late. The crabbiness and exhaustion of the owners contributes to the misery of their innocent pets. How many times have I kicked that annoying little yapping dog because of my rage against DST? How many times have I stepped on the cat’s tail in my fatigue?

Yet the daring souls at Yogi Bear’s Jellystone Park at Monona Lake soldier on. The leader of the Temporal Time Change Refugees Chapter of Monona Lake, Cyrus McMontgomery, with his eyes aglow and shimmering with tears, stares off into the horizon and utters these inspiring words: “I may not live to see the day, and maybe not my children, but maybe—just maybe—my grandchildren’s grandchildren will live to see this country return to the One True Time, that of the sun as it circles our world!”

Indeed the movement against Daylight Savings is growing. People have gotten fed up with other people telling them how to spend their time. People like stopDST are getting organized.

Something terrible is brewing on the horizon. While on the surface everything seems normal, with people quietly changing their clocks two times every single year, shifting undercurrents are developing in the murkiness below, with tensions and pressures building that threaten to upset the status quo, to one day overthrow the villainy that is Daylight Saving Time!